September 2011
The Good, the Bad and the Superbly Hypocritical
Cue Music: Theme from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
Camera: Camera pans across the dining table showing the intense faces of three children staring at one another.
They sit across from one another at the dining table. The showdown has begun. Dinner is ready, but the table is clear - no plates, no silverware, no glasses - just three kids staring at the food on the counter, then back at one another.
Camera: Camera pans to the counter where Vee and I stand preparing the final touches on dinner. An occasional glance from me hints that the table needs to be set for us to eat. The message isn't caught. So, there they sit; waiting, waiting, waiting to devour whatever is to be placed in front of them that resembles food.
Camera: Camera pans to the leafy-green salad Vee brings to the table. No sooner is the salad placed on the table that I can look up and see three kids grazing over the greens.
Camera: Camera pans back to me showing a look of contempt and frustration that they didn't have the decency to wait for us to join them. Fade to black.
Since we as a family are anything but formal, it is not uncommon to see one (or more) of our kids already digging into the food set in front of them. To say Vee and I have been consistent with laying down the law of "no eating until we have all sat down together" would be a bit misleading. Consequently, the messages have been somewhat mixed. When we're inconsistent, the kids tend to go back to default mode and start without us.
So, what do I do? I do what any other red-blooded American dad would do. I fire a stern reprimand in their direction, letting them know of my disappointment.
Here's where things get a little dicey though. The kids look at each other with salad greens hanging halfway from their mouths (or maybe an onion) and then at me in confusion. Why are they confused, you ask? You guessed it. They saw me doing it yesterday.
The twist of hypocrisy coils further when I sit down and nibble from some of the food placed in front of me. Yup, sometimes I do the very thing I accuse my kids of doing. No wonder they develop the "confused deer in the headlights" response. No wonder they look at me with a nervous twitch that stems from experiencing the "wrath of dad." Truth be said, I'm pretty sure I instigated the whole inconsistency.
Now I have them on their toes. They must be thinking... "Do I eat, or do I wait?" Or, "Is dad going to flip this time?"
I have also noticed that when I do gain a sense of righteous indignation at any given mealtime, what I say can and will be used against me.
Fortunately (I think), my kids have no trouble of pointing out my hypocrisy to my face. I guess that's better than hearing what they think about my actions from someone else, or worse, it's better than me not being aware of it at all.
August 2011
The "H" word and how it get's the best of us
The Cheyenne Mountain Zoo is a gorgeous fun spot situated high above Colorado Springs. The views are breathtaking, and the exhibits are pretty cool. As Vee and I walked around the animal environments, we happened upon a petting area. In the corner stood a younger boy and his dad feeding the pygmy goats with food purchased from a dispenser nearby. A special father/son moment, right? Yes⦠that is until the son was getting worked over by a pack of hungry goats. In an effort to keep the goats from gnawing his hand along with the food, the panic stricken child raised his arm as high as he could, keeping the food away. It didnâÂÂt work. Goats 1 â boy 0! The goats used his chest as a plank to give them the leverage needed to get to the food. The poor boy was in tears, he just didnâÂÂt know what to do.
Dad to the rescue⦠well, kind of. The boyâÂÂs father, standing next to him, watched his son go through the ordeal, providing him with what would appear to be a coachable moment. Yup, dad in beautiful fashion ridiculed his son for not knowing what to do in this crisis. In a charged voice, dad expressed his disappointment with the boy and proceeded, with the sound of experience, to instruct him in the right way to feed the goats. Impatient with the boyâÂÂs inexperience, dad snatched the food from his sonâÂÂs outstretched arm and went to another part of the petting area. This is where it gets good. Coach dad explained how to feed the animals so that no one would get hurt. Unfortunately, he locked himself in corner and the fairly assertive goats went after him. Not knowing what to do when the pressure was on, coach dad âÂÂhail mary-edâ the play by stretching out his arm high above his head. Determined to get to the food, the goats charged and used his chest as a plank just as they did with the boy. I really wish I had a video camera for this one.
IsnâÂÂt it ironic? The thing I speak against becomes the very thing I end up doing. On one hand, it means that I aspire to create a culture of high expectations of those around me, but it also means that IâÂÂd better authentically model the very behavior I claim to value. This also means IâÂÂd better know what I am talking about before I coach others. When I donâÂÂt, what does that make me? Yup, youâÂÂre reading the confessions of a genuine hypocrite. Sounds oxymoronic, doesnâÂÂt it.ÃÂ
LetâÂÂs be honest for a moment. Yes, we all engage in hypocrisy, but that isnâÂÂt where we want to stay. I donâÂÂt think we wake up in the morning and think, âÂÂhey, how can I be a better hypocrite?â Nope, we aspire to be upright, thoughtful, and gracious human beings. But, when those fallen from grace moments occur, they will most likely be the very mess-ups our own kids use against us when they spot them. These mess-ups we make will also become the very excuse they point at in order to justify their own fallen from grace moments. HereâÂÂs the encouragement. When we work diligently to become the people we aspire to be, then those around us will slowly see that weâÂÂre the real deal. When they see the real deal in us, then they will become freshly motivated to make healthier choices in their own lives.
July 2011
Marrying to date!
We've got it all wrong. When Vee and I started dating, I was on a quest to make her so impressed with me that she couldn't say "no" to spending the rest of her life with me. Hook, line, sinker⦠she fell for it. I'm the lucky one!
It was homecoming weekend at the small college I was attending in the northwest. Vee and I had been dating for a few months, but we were in a long distance relationship. So I invited her up to spend the weekend together. I thought, âÂÂI need to go out of my way to impress her, so she can avoid seeing the not-so-impressive me. Ah, thereâÂÂs plenty there.â It worked! The weekend was fantastic, and she was most definitely impressed.ÃÂ
Ten months later, we were married. Life happened, and the desire to impress one another just seemed to wane away, especially once the kids were born. Can I be honest with you? That was a huge mistake on my part.ÃÂ
What is it about couples that grow so accustom to one another they no longer go out of their way to impress each other? Sure they'll try to impress others who don't know them, but what about impressing one another? It just kind of gets lost in the busyness of life. Guys? Gals? Avoid this trap at all costs! Don't give in to the temptation that says, "Don't worry about what your wife or husband thinks about you." After all, they're stuck with you, right? The chase has ended, the conquest has been made. The adventure is over.
The truth is the adventure in your relationship has only just begun. The challenge comes when we take on more and more responsibility and try our best to juggle it all. What is it with our insane notion to live up to our full potential as individuals at the expense of our calling as husbands and wives? We're spread too thin, and those around us suffer for it. ÃÂ In searching for our own needs to be met, we can unintentionally sacrifice the most important relationship we have. It's always subtle and things just seem to unravel with time. But it doesn't have to be that way! In fact the same effort we put into the dating relationship needs to go back into the marriage relationship--If not even more!ÃÂ
Guys--this part is for you--the more you go out of your way to "wow" your spouse, the better life just gets at home. Your efforts don't need to be fancy or expensive. Nope, in fact creative simplicity is a wonderful thing! Most importantly, the idea that you invested time and energy to creatively impress your bride will send a message that says, "You're the one I want to be with!" Believe me, your continued creative efforts will definitely be noticed and well appreciated.
June 2011
Planting the seeds of vision and refueling the fire
Back in September, Michael and I went to a college presentation where he got pumped up about the university and doing what was necessary to get accepted and funded. We talked about his dreams and what the school would expect from him as a student and all around kid. The passion and the motivation were there. He was on fire⦠for a month. Then October came. By November, the fire⦠no, the ash heap looked a little bleak and was in need of some serious fuel. By this time, I started seeing a negative pattern with my son. Instead of seeing him doing the necessary work and research needed to be prepared for the rigors of academic study required at the university level, I came home to him playing video games. No, this wasnâÂÂt a one-time occurrence. He was on the merry-go-round and didnâÂÂt seem to know how to get off. To add, he was a little off-centered with his attitude and was in need of... an adjustment.
So, this got me thinking. There are times when my son is focused and filled with a dream to accomplish something, times when the dream and the roadmap are clear; however, there are also times when he gets wrapped up in video games or other fairly mindless activities. DonâÂÂt get me wrong, some video games can be a great way to veg-out, but at what point does our thirst for personal entertainment get in the way of our calling to do something constructive and healthy? So, it was time for me to address the matter, but before doing so, I knew I needed to positively redirect him instead of getting punitive. I discovered he was in a rutâÂÂunmotivated and disinterested. He lost the roadmap and had little passion. What Michael needed was a reminder of his vision. As dad, my job was to replant what I call the âÂÂseeds of visionâ into his life, to refuel his fire.
Without a clear vision and a roadmap to realize it, we will lose our sense of purpose. Our personal sense of value dissipates, and our choices often become unhealthy, rut-like. Why bother going to great lengths of arduous study or work when we have no clue as to the desired result? Why make the tough choices when the vision becomes foggy? Why develop any sense of self-discipline when we have little or no passion to see something come to fruition?ÃÂ
Dads, this is our callingâÂÂto plant seeds of vision into our childrenâÂÂs lives. Our kids need us to identify their strengths and point them out when doing life together. Want to see an incredible transformation in the life of your family? Plant the seeds of vision into your children, help them create the roadmap (donâÂÂt do it for them but come along side to help), and watch their passion ignite. Yes, youâÂÂll need to do this over and over, but when they are reminded about their dream (not ours), and when the path becomes clear, thatâÂÂs when things get exciting. For Michael, the fire begins to dim every couple of months and that is when he needs more fuel. So my job is to re-feed the fire, enabling him to see a clear path in which to walk and to go after his dream once more.
May 2011
When It Comes To My Kids- What Is Love?
Have you ever confused love with a feeling of admiration towards another? YouâÂÂre not alone. àAfter all, itâÂÂs pretty easy to love another human being when we admire him or her. ItâÂÂs easy to love my kids when things are going smoothly and weâÂÂre getting along. But what about those times when things arenâÂÂt going so smoothly?
On a recent weekend evening, I was feeling wiped out and disappointed from something that unraveled during the week. Our family was both physically and mentally exhausted from cleaning up a relativeâÂÂs home nearby. The kids squeezed into the back seat of my compact carâÂÂa time bomb just waiting to go off. While driving home, a piercing cry erupted from the back seat, penetrating my spine.
âÂÂWhatâÂÂs going on?â I barked from the front. The fingers and accusations hurled from one sibling to the other, as Maddi persisted to cry at an exceedingly high decibel level. àMichael, MaddiâÂÂs brother, was the culprit. As we pulled into the driveway, my wife, Vee and daughter, Megan, ran for safety while Maddi continued to sob, milking the experience completely. It was time to go for a walk. Okay, I snapped and temporarily âÂÂlost itâ with Michael, making sleep that night a miserable experience. I felt like I had failed as a parent. The next morning began with an apology from me while helping the kids reconcile the turn of the previous dayâÂÂs events.
I canâÂÂt say my kids were the objects of my respect or admiration on that day. àWhen youâÂÂre happy with your kids they are so much easier to love, right? But what about times when the desire is not exactly⦠well⦠present?
What if we could see love play out differently? What if love has much more to do with my disposition and less about the admiration I feel for another? If I have to be in the mood to admire my children, what happens on those days when I am tired, stressed, or annoyed? Does that mean I donâÂÂt need to demonstrate love? If I condition my love based upon my admiration, then the kids will always have to be on my good side to receive from me. This is a sure recipe for relational upheaval.ÃÂ
What would happen if I demonstrated the following characteristics no matter how I felt about my family at any given time? What if I showed patience and kindness, even when offended? What if I refused to be thin skinned or said no to reading into the motives of others? What if I chose not to demand my âÂÂrightsâ but aimed to foster what is most beneficial to the relationship? What if I modeled patient endurance, believing that in the end my family would be better for it?
Could it be that when I show love regardless to if âÂÂI feel like it,â I end up creating an unconditionally positive atmosphere within my family? CanâÂÂt hurt to try.ÃÂ
April 2011
Micromanagement Parenting (Part II)
Continued from MarchâÂÂs Column: As youâÂÂll remember my parenting lesson was taking place in the two-person kayak, with my daughter Maddi, near the scenic atmosphere of Balboa Islandâ¦
It wouldâÂÂve been easier to keep the oar, but at the right moment, I gave it to Maddi. She got the hang of it⦠eventually. Truth be said, Maddi surprised me. There were a few times I had to apologize for nearly running into some folks⦠and a bridge. But the people on their parked boats seemed understanding considering Maddi was learning on the fly. The bridge wasnâÂÂt so forgiving. Every once in a while, I would secretly put my hand in the water, doing a reverse stroke to keep us from turning too sharplyâ¦or into a concrete bridge column.
I suppose I could have sent Maddi out on her own with the Kayak. She would have made it back alive (I hope), but it would have been a defeating experience, as there was much to figure out. After all, she had never done this before, and she needed some coaching. On the other hand, I could have taken an overly controlling role, making her completely dependent upon me for her welfare. This too would have been a crushing experience for her. After all, she was there to learn.
Personally, I can tend to go to either extreme. On the overly controlling side of things, we may tend to micro-manage our kidsâ decision making processes, making them dependent upon us well into their teenage years (or beyond). The problems that arise can become severe, especially when they leave home and demonstrate that they are incapable of making sound decisions on their own. Why should they? TheyâÂÂve been told what to do throughout childhood without having to think through the processes. Ouch! That kinda stings. As parents we want our values to transfer to our kids, but if we are too controlling, we can pretty much count the days until an internal rebellion takes place within their minds. àThen the subversive (or even the outwardly rebellious) stuff begins to take root and gain momentum.
On the flip side, letting our kids completely figure things out on their own can be a recipe for confusion, boredom, and eventually, mischief. The greatest challenge to uninvolved parents is found in transference of values. If I want my kid to value what I value, then I must search for opportunities to train them in these values. Kids are big on picking up what they see us do daily, which is a powerful reminder to consider how we as parents live. For better or worse, they tend to reproduce in their own lives what they feel will immediately benefit them, justifying what they do by what they have seen us do. If weâÂÂre fairly uninvolved with their day-to-day decision-making (i.e. what they do with their time, money, etc), then weâÂÂre leaving it completely up to them to pick and choose whatever feels right for them at the moment without the ability to foresee the unintended consequences of their choices. How can they see them? They donâÂÂt have the life experiences to have that sort of foresight.ÃÂ
March 2011
Micromanagement Parenting (Part I)
Last year, our family had a get together at my aunt and uncleâÂÂs home where for a few following days, Vee, the kids and I would stay in their home. We loved the seaside atmosphere and scenery of Balboa Island, as it makes for a fun blend between the overtly-opulent and the rustic surfer-types who simply refuse to give up the beach life. ItâÂÂs a great island to walk around, especially when there is time to meander among some of the great little hangouts along the way.ÃÂ
In the garage, there was a two-person kayak with two life jackets hanging at its side. Once I got the hang of it, the Kayak easily wheeled over to the tiny beach that lined an inlet about 100 yards away from the home. Only a few close calls of running the canoe into a couple of parked Mercedes, and we were there. It was Maddi , Daddy time, and we were both looking forward to spending time together.ÃÂ
We ventured out into the larger harbor, and after having a couple of near run-ins with a yacht with the christening of âÂÂTerribleâ on the stern, we turned back towards safer waters. When we arrived back to an inlet, Maddi asked for the only oar so she could paddle and steer the dingy (thatâÂÂs just a funny word⦠I had to use it). Making the boat go wasnâÂÂt an issue. Keeping the boat straight and not running into things (i.e. expensive boats) was another. Admittedly, I was hesitant⦠for three reasons: One, what happens to the oar if she drops it and says, âÂÂoops, sorry daddy.âÂÂ? Does it even float? How would we get back? Two, there were larger boats trafficking in and out of the inlet going much faster than us. I wasnâÂÂt sure they would even see us before mauling us into the inletâÂÂs depths. Would Maddi obliviously steer us into their paths? Three, there were also boats worth way more than our house parked in the middle and along the sides of the inlet, making for two one-way âÂÂstreetsâÂÂ. àWhat kind of bill would I get should Maddi run into one of these museums on water?
On the flip side, does my reluctance keep Maddi from growing into a more responsible person?àIf I continue to do the work and âÂÂguide the ship,â doesnâÂÂt that communicate to Maddi that I donâÂÂt trust her with her decision making? Furthermore, how do I grow to trust her judgment when I donâÂÂt give her opportunities to make choices? After all, sheâÂÂs 11, and she really wanted to do this.
Okay, thereâÂÂs more on this next month, but I wanted to leave you with this one thought: àThereâÂÂs a spectrum of parenting styles that run the range from overly protective to uninvolved, from controlling to indifferent . Where do you see yourself?
Overly Protective (controlling) Parenting --------------------------------- Uninvolved (indifferent) Parenting
I know for us, each one of our children is unique, and so must be the way we parent each kid. So, it can be a case by case basis at any given time depending on the needs of the child and the moment. àYouâÂÂre probably not much different. But if weâÂÂre not careful, we can easily slip into one of these camps, and so will go the balance of parenting and preparing our kids for life.ÃÂ
February 2011
On our way home from California this past summer, we drove with the windows down and the radio cranked up. Sounds like a fun way to spend a weekend away, right? Well, the weekend was wonderful for many reasons. But out of Palm Springs, there is a hill that can take a toll on your carâÂÂor at least my carâÂÂespecially when it's 112 degrees outside. So, as we trudged halfway up the seemingly endless and fairly annoying gradeâÂÂyou know the one with trucks that cut into the fast lane and require you to jolt the brakes and reduce your speed to 20âÂÂwe began to feel the heat surge when the A/C was no longer cooling the inside of the vehicle.ÃÂ
Vee and I shared a look, thinking, âÂÂuh-oh, this can't be good.â Eventually, the question emerged from the backseat. Like the awaiting of an odious smell, it crept over the back seat and into my ears. âÂÂDad⦠can you turn down the temperature? ItâÂÂs getting too hot in here!âÂÂ
âÂÂOkay this isnâÂÂt good,â I thought. I felt my pulse rise as I anticipated the increasingly frequent whines volleying from the back seat. A decision had to be made. But it wasnâÂÂt a decision to turn around or find a mechanic or anything like that. What happened simply happened. WeâÂÂd simply have to get through it. After all, how did people cross the desert before A/C? àNo, the decision was a mental one, one in my head to not get cranky but to try to make the best out of not-so-great, inconvenient situation.ÃÂ
Surprisingly, I didn't get too mental about the issue.àI say âÂÂsurprisinglyâ because there are many times when I do get too mentalâÂÂespecially when I am inconvenienced. But this day was a day of clarity. I reasoned, how am I benefitting anyone with an uncontrolled response? Furthermore, what am I teaching my kids when I get overly mental?
I found myself praying. I've gotta tell you, this usually isnâÂÂt my first response. Nope, it typically comes up as the 5th or 6th thought⦠or the 39th. Usually, an offering of prayer comes after all other avenues have been exhausted and after any self-induced attempts at manipulating my circumstances have failed.ÃÂ
We pulled into a roadside truck stopâÂÂyou know the kind that sells anything from coffee to cb radio antennaeâÂÂgrabbed some ice cream for the kids and some ice for the ride home. We figured we would place the ice in a cup and let it melt on our heads. So, with our windows down and a few crazy looks from those passing by in their nicely air-conditioned cars, we headed home. HereâÂÂs where things get good⦠In the backseat, I heard not the sound of whininess but laughter. The kids were engaging in an ice water fight while pouring ice on my head and down my back. Admittedly, the first time was a little cold, but it felt pretty nice. So the radio blasted and the laughter continued. They were having so much fun together, fun that would have never happened had the A/C been working, fun that would have never happened if my first response wasnâÂÂt⦠well⦠healthy. ÃÂ
The good news is that nobody died from heat stroke on this day. Nobody was injured from the absence of air-conditioning. Yes, it was warm⦠but whoop-de-doo! Could it be that the very inconvenience of losing my A/C ended up in being an amazing family memory? Could it be that my decision to respond in a healthy way ended up being a blessing for Vee and the kids? What would an impatient response on my part teach my kidsâÂÂespecially as it relates to how they would respond when they face adversity? Would I have perpetuated my impatience upon my kids? Probably.
January 2011
The three of us sat at the cleared dining table pondering our next move at the Scrabble board. On one side, sat my dad, and on the right sat my son, Michael. Three generations of competitiveâÂÂand might I say stubbornâÂÂRagones.ÃÂ
Growing up, Scrabble was the game of choice for my family.àEvery now and then, I would join the daily game between dad and step-mom. It was often an upset. Towards the end of the game, it wasnâÂÂt uncommon for Dad to be 100+ points ahead of us, and he didnâÂÂt hesitate to âÂÂrun up the score.âÂÂ
We were hooked! Since leaving home, my brothers and I have gone up to visit from time to time, and our routine would be the same each morning: Have coffee, eat breakfast, and head to the Scrabble board, trash talking while drawing our tiles from the bag. We would go head to head, and over time we all improved at the game, learning the strategies and secrets to playing.ÃÂ
Vee and I have played off and on for the past several years, and the game has become more competitive since Michael started improving. One of the challenges that came with MichaelâÂÂs improvement was learning and making use of the two-letter words in the Scrabble game. With this, Michael became a master and changed the nature of how we play the game.ÃÂ
So when the three of us (Dad, Michael and me) sat in front of the board, the gloves were off and the trash talking started as if it never stopped from years prior. Michael began taking advantage of the two letter words and was keeping up with DadâÂÂwhich surprised them both. At first using the two letter words wasnâÂÂt a worry to my dad. Only as Michael became a threat did my dad begin to grow impatient. The game wore on, and the score was even. Enough was enough. He challenged Michael with the use of a two-letter word and brought out his well used dictionary. Seeing this coming, Michael brought out the Official Scrabble Players Dictionary (4th edition) that he actually packed in his suitcase. IâÂÂm not kidding.
Dad wasnâÂÂt pleased. He questioned the validity of the official Scrabble dictionary. In fact, he insisted upon using his dictionaryâÂÂan older dictionary that made no use of the Scrabble two-letter words. Michael retaliated by explaining how he was playing by the official Scrabble rules. Dad wouldn't hear of it, insisting that the two-letter words were fictional at best. We were at a stalemate. Man, I wish I had video-taped this!
What we had here was a failure to agree on our rules.
That's the challenge with rules. I can have standards in one area of life and completely ignore them in another. Furthermore, what happens when my standards donâÂÂt agree with yours? That was the issue with Michael and my dad.
You might be asking, how does this relate with marriage and parenting? Now that is a great question! What happens when your spouse doesnâÂÂt agree with your decisions, or your kid thinks your rules are about as idiotic as an episode of Family Guy? It makes you take a step back and think, âÂÂOkay, where did I get this value? I figured it was good enough for me when I was growing up. Why canâÂÂt my kids see the value in it like I do?â Times change, right? Does that mean our values change too? Sometimes. But what about those standards that are transferrable from generation to generation? àYou know⦠stay away from murder, lying, stealing, etc. Who determines which one gets trashed and which one sticks? It can become quite subjective, right?
So, what are the unifying standards for your family? Who determines and enforces those standards? Furthermore, what are they based upon? In a culture where relativistic thinking (my truth is not your truth) has become the norm, how do transfer your values from you to your family and make sure they stick?
At the heart of the idea of faith is figuring out who makes the rules. This is where belonging to a community of faith can be vital. Why? Quite simply, itâÂÂs because a faith community will recognize the standards of a higher power. When the expectations of a higher power are established, those expectations (i.e. 10 commandments) become the standard for living. This way I can say, âÂÂHey son, this is GodâÂÂs heart towards the matter.â Which is much more palatable than, âÂÂHey son⦠because I said so, thatâÂÂs why.âÂÂ
December 2010
In NovemberâÂÂs column, we identified how easy our familyâÂÂs foundations can erode. It just happens. So what can we do to turn this around? Read onâ¦
After working in youth ministry for over fifteen years, I've slowly come to terms with this reality: He who spends the most time with my kids, Wins.ÃÂ
Wins? Wins what?ÃÂ
As a dad, I've noticed our kids typically don't respond well to the short interrogational-natured, lead balloon questions that we find ourselves asking when we see them at the dinner table. For them, itâÂÂs a subtle yet cruel form of torture. âÂÂHow was your day?â Or âÂÂWhat did you do today?â Or, the ever potent, âÂÂTell me son, how was school?â ItâÂÂs like we get stuck there and donâÂÂt know how to move off of the subject. Uhhhhhhh. We figure, hey, itâÂÂs what they do. ShouldnâÂÂt they be able to respond?
It's not that we lowered the draw bridge and set out to resurrect the inquisition on purpose. But, it does seem to go that way, right?... So what are we after? We just want to catch up and see they are spending their days in a positive way. We want to hear they're doing well. ItâÂÂs just a little difficult to surmise when the answer comes back in the form of a mono-syllabic, non-identifiable grunt. You know, utterances like "fine," "stuff," or the ever so insightful, "nothing."ÃÂ
We attack⦠"Lower the bridge and send out the inquisitors! WeâÂÂve got some investigating to do.â While this becomes our mindset, it doesnâÂÂt seem to fair well, does it. So we assault. âÂÂWhat do you mean by âÂÂfineâÂÂ?â âÂÂWhat do you mean, âÂÂnothingâÂÂ?â Then it comes⦠the shrug of the shoulder and a blank look that signals a desperate longing for a way out.ÃÂ
Maybe thatâÂÂs a good clue to take a step back and ask this question: Am I trying to force a relationship because itâÂÂs convenient for me? Have I just gotten in a rut with my kids? Could be.
We might take this approach to catch up with a friend or a colleague. But, then again, go to a party and ask the same questions. My guess is that your friend or colleague would have a sudden need to remove the earwax from his ears or maybe excuse himself to shave his back⦠you get the idea.ÃÂ
So it would make sense to approach our kids in a more creative, natural and unforced way. àBelieve it or not, they kind of like being with their parents, and they will often test us (though not always intentionally) to see if weâÂÂre willing to spend time with them doing something they enjoy.ÃÂ
Wanna get them to talk? Play ball with them. Dance and sing with them. Play a game with them! Have fun together. Yes, fun! Maybe theyâÂÂll mistake you for someone who has just gone insane⦠but they will like it. They'll talk your ear off once they feel relaxed and comfortable with their surroundings (namely us). Now really, how much different are we?ÃÂ
Merry Christmas and see you next month.
November 2010
When the foundations erodeâ¦
âÂÂWhy is parenting so flippin hardjQuery163027805140908916026_1327088615912?... Urgh!!!â àSo there it wasâÂÂa quote that showed up on a recent Facebook entry. My first response was, âÂÂhmmm. A parent baffled by a kid out of her control⦠Sounds familiar.â àItâÂÂs somewhat of a bummer to realize how little control we have over our kids.ÃÂ
But that wasnâÂÂt part of the dream, was it? I didnâÂÂt buy into that, did I? You know what IâÂÂm talking about, right? We wanted to raise a family, get away to a smaller, semi-isolated, and community-minded place. Along with the scenery, isnâÂÂt that what attracted us to Estrella? We love it here, but moving here didnâÂÂt make the problem go away. ItâÂÂs still a real issue. Why is marriage and parenting so difficult?
Vee and I had the great opportunity to be kid-free this summer for a full two weeks. May I say⦠it was awesome! During this time, I thought of my parents when I left for college. They sold the house and bought their dream homeâÂÂa brand-new, beautiful tract home overlooking the ocean. In south Orange County, developers had gone wild, filling in land and erecting homes in a staircase manner, maximizing each homeâÂÂs view in the cheapest way possible. Life was good⦠for a time. The problem arose when the rain came and the storm drains clogged up. Eventually, water began to back up⦠yup, right into their yard at the lowest part of the cul-de-sac. The homebuilder and its lawyers preferred not to acknowledge the issueâÂÂthat is until the class action suit stared them in the face and a court order mandated they unclog the drain and make reparations. When the drainage issue was finally addressed and repairs were attempted (they were cosmetic at best), the damage had been done. A huge fissure divided the home in two, starting from the driveway in front and going through the garage. It continued through the family room and out the back patio. A quarter would have easily been lost in this crack.
The problems were extensive, and we never saw it coming.ÃÂ
ItâÂÂs kind of the same with our marriages and our families. We wanted the dream, but problems came because the foundations eroded. Life just happened, and now weâÂÂre seeing all sorts of cracksâÂÂhideous and sizable crevices that may challenge us for the rest of our lives.
So, what are these foundations, and what can we do to improve them for our families? How do we re-invest our efforts back into what matters most?
IâÂÂll be candid with you. Vee and I are far from perfect (just ask our kids⦠theyâÂÂll be happy to point out our many flaws), and I donâÂÂt want to come off as some guy who has everything figured out. But, I do think it would be helpful for us to investigate this further.
So, what do I mean by investing in our foundations? Stay tuned for moreâ¦
